And Sometimes Why?

2009-08-16T23:37:00.001-07:00

So many questions. So many thoughts. All swirling around in a thick haze in my mind. My body seeks sleep, but sleep is hard to find in this haze!

2009-08-16T23:32:00.001-07:00

Memories of my Mom tinge my thoughts with sadness, while curiosity and anticipation of the future fill me with wonder...

2009-08-16T23:28:00.001-07:00

Insomnia strikes again. As I do on so many nights, I am lying here unable to turn off my brain. My mind swirls w/thoughts of the past & dreams of the future.

2009-08-11T23:17:00.001-07:00

Testing out the new mobile set up for my blog. Blogging from my phone. Woohoo! :-)

Dusting off the neglected blog.

2009-08-11T22:27:00.001-07:00

I started this blog with such great intentions... such high hopes of what it would become, and now, here it sits, covered in a thick layer of dust, unused, undeveloped, unread...
What happened?

Life happened.
My hectic life happened.
My crazy, out of control, shoes flopping around in a dryer life came along and squashed the crap out of any hopes that I may have had for my personal little blog.

I want to try my best to dust it off and revive it.
Though I am still in no place to make any commitments. My life is still so upside down that I do not know which way is up anymore. I don't know where I am going to be next year... next month... next week? I don't know what I am going to be doing with my life - my future has been smudged over as if I have taken off my glasses and am trying to focus on it with my own blurry near-sided vision. I cannot make it out. I do not know what lies ahead...

I do know that my life is NOT where I thought it would be at this point.
I am months away from turning 29. I am creeping ever so close to 30...
I am married. I have one child. We are a happy little family.
All of that is not really so unexpected. I have always wanted a family, so that much is not a surprise... but I sure as hell never expected to be living my life without my Mom at this point!!

But I digress...
I do not want to bring my depression into this blog. I have another more personal private blog where I pour out my pain...
I just mention it in terms of where I am in my life.

So, where do I go from here?
I am trying very desparately to figure that out actually.
I have always been such a planner...
This uncertainty is driving me insane!

What I do know is this...
I will go forward into this unknown future holding the hand of the man I love. We will bring our son with us on whatever adventures we embark upon, and we will be happy.
Maybe not every moment of every day, but we will be happy.

This much I know!

I love Obama!!

2009-03-03T19:37:00.000-08:00

Today I had my regular monthly financial panic attack. It's that time of the month when I look at all of our upcoming expenses and compare it to our upcoming monthly income and FREAK out and try to figure out how to make things work this month. I go through this every month... and every month we always somehow make it all work out!

This month is especially scary because we've got some really big unexpected expenses coming up that we have NO room in our budget for!! So this panic attack was much more panicky than most. I could feel my heart racing, I felt light headed and dizzy, my throat started to close up... full blown, five alarm, panic attack!!!

In the throws of this panic attack, I started to write this post. I had entitled it "I hate money" - a statement that is heard crossing my lips on a regular basis!!! Then I saw my paycheck for this week and saw that is was just a little bit bigger than usual. Not a huge difference, mind you, about $30, but my paychecks are always the exact same amount every two weeks, so it is easy to spot a difference. I tried to figure out why this check was bigger. As I compared it to my previous check I saw that the difference was my federal tax withholding... it was $30 less!! And then it hit me!! The tax cuts that Obama promised have come through already!!! Our new President is letting me keep more of my hard earned money!!! I was thrilled!!!

Now, granted, $30 is not going to solve all my problems and fix the financial panic attack for this month... but that's $30 more on every one of my paychecks, so that's $60 more per month, which makes a big difference when you live on a budget!!!

So while I may not have figured out how to solve this month's financial FREAK OUT... I at least feel good about getting some of my money back!!

THANK YOU OBAMA!!!!! (^_^)

I love my husband

2009-02-27T09:50:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, it occurs to me how very lucky I am to have the kind of marriage I have. My husband is my best friend and even if I spent every waking moment of my life with him, it would not be enough!! I wish that I could spend all of my time with him. In the beginning of our relationship, we pretty much DID spend all of our time together! We lived together, worked together, we were hardly ever apart - and I LOVED it!! Now we are experiencing quite the opposite. We work opposite schedules Monday-Friday so that we can take care of our son without having to pay for childcare. I work 6:30am-3:00pm and he works 3:30pm-midnight. We are ships passing in the night Monday-Friday. It totally SUCKS!!! Thankfully we get time together on the weekends. It is the only thing about this arrangement of ours that makes it even slightly doable. If we NEVER saw each other - this would never work! I really miss him during the week though!

Jeff can make me laugh like no one else. His sense of humor is one of my favorite things about him. I have so many good memories of nights where we laid awake for hours in bed just giggling like kids having a sleep over!! He makes me so happy! He is the kindest, most generous, selfless person! He spoils me rotten in ways I often wonder if I deserve. He is an amazing Father... a role new to him but that he fell into quite naturally. I love to watch him with our son. My heart could just burst with joy when I see the two of them together.

He is a wonderful man. I know this of course, but every once in a while it just hits me that I am EXTREMELY LUCKY to have snagged him! He makes me happier than I ever thought possible and I love the life we have built together!

Now if we could just get more time together...

Our dream is to someday open our own business together. We want to open our own deli/cafe. Jeff has TONS of experience working with the public, and I have the nerdy bookkeeping/back end stuff down! We both have business management experience too. We would be GREAT at running a business together and we would get to spend so much more time together! When I think about how awesome it would be, I get just giddy with excitement... but I also get frustrated. We are so far from being able to attain that goal and being the extremely impatient person that I am, it is hard for me to wait!! Money is our primary obstacle. We need to get out of debt and get some savings built up before we could ever even consider diving into this endeavor! But we will get there... I know we will! Someday we will have our dream!!

Anyway... I was just sitting here at work missing my hubby and thought I'd blog about how wonderful he is!! I LOVE YOU JEFF!!

A blog for ME

2009-02-20T11:45:00.001-08:00

So I have a blog for my son... where I can post all of the details & pictures & videos of his life as he grows.

I have a blog for my Mom... a personal one that I keep private... it is my journal - my place where I can "talk" to my dearly departed Momma... I miss you MOM!!!

But as of yet I do not have a blog for ME. A place where I can dump the random contents of my nerdy little brain. So here it is!! This is the place where I will babble and rant, bitch and moan, contemplate life, poke fun at things that make me chuckle, talk smack about things I hate... pretty much just any little thing that pops into my brain and that I feel needs to be shared with the world! :)

The title is mine & my husband's band name... in our little fantasy world where we have a rockin' ska band!! We came up with this long ago when we were first dating and it gives me warm fuzzy memories of the wonderful beginning of our amazing relationship.

So here we go... here begins the blog of Meredith: wife to Jeff, daughter to the most amazing woman this world has ever known; without whom the stars shine less brightly, Momma to Nate the Great, ... and total and complete internet addict!!!